yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
