Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
