i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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