I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
