she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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