Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
