i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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