also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have aggressive nipples.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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