I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
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We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I die, sorry about rent.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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