Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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