he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
