you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
