Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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