stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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