Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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