Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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