yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.