My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?