she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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