im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..