dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.