Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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