saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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