I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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