how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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