Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
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