what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
