I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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