I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
