I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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Houston, we have a blender
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh god it's open bar.
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