Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
