yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
