I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
