At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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