how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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