kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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