i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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