You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
