so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
