Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
