You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
