I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize