whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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