Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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