Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My ass is underappreciated
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
