Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
