Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
