Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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