The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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