I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
