when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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