just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I will be naked everywhere
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
