I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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