FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
