my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize